


Life is ironic like that

by Lemon_Rose03



Category: South Park
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Awkward Crush, Banter, Begging, Bottom Eric Cartman, Bottom Kyle Broflovski, Bottom Stan Marsh, Car Sex, Cheating, Childhood Friends, Confessional Sex, Confessions, Confusion, Dirty Thoughts, Drama, Drama & Romance, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, Gay, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, High School, Isolation, Lemon, Long Shot, Love, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Manipulation, Multi, My First South Park Fic, Oral Sex, Other, Polyamory, Rough Sex, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexual Confusion, Sexual Tension, Slice of Life, Smut, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, Top Eric Cartman, Top Kyle Broflovski, Top Stan Marsh, Unsafe Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 13:04:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21119267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lemon_Rose03/pseuds/Lemon_Rose03
Summary: Cartman and Kyle were in a normal relationship (for their standards) until one night stan walked in on them doing some not very pg things. In the heat of the moment, stan joined them and is now stuck in a mess of unsure emotions. Does he still despise cartman? Is loving Kyle okay now? Are they friends or something more?... Why does butters look at him with that knowing... Evil expression.





	1. A mistake?

Stan stared up at the ceiling his heart pounding as he recalled the events that took place not even 4 hours ago. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Was it wrong?  
His thoughts were cut off as he felt two people wrap their arms around him. Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman. Stan's heart pounded faster and his face burned up. This wasn't right, right? Sleeping with two guys already in a relationship. One of which he thought he detested... Until now.  
He carefully removed their arms from around his waist and sat up rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. Once they got some rest and had some sense knocked into them he was sure they'd hate him for joining them in their session of... Intimacy. He couldn't help it though! Seeing cartman destroy Kyle's ass like that got him rock hard in less than a minute... And when cartman asked him if he'd join in fucking the guy he's loved for years, reason was thrown out the window.  
Stan shook his head and carefully tried to crawl out of bed without waking the two, but his stealth failed him as cartman lazily opened his eyes.  
"Eh? Where are you going?" Cartman grabbed stan's arm gently. Obviously half asleep as his hair was a mess and his eyes lulled shut occasionally.  
Stan gulped beginning to get extremely anxious about him being upset and kicking him out before he could leave. Making him do the worst kind of walk of shame.  
"I was just heading out... I don't want to impose on yours and kyles' relationship."  
Cartman gave stan a half-assed 'seriously dude?' Expression before pulling stan down into his arms holding him close, "don't be a dumbass." He yawned, "you're not imposing on anything and you're not leaving yet either. It's too late at night."  
Stan shivered when he felt Cartman's breath on his bare skin still feeling sensitive after the intense sex the three had. "You sure?" He yawned, cartman's sleepiness amplifying his own.  
"Yes, I'm sure asshole now sleep so that I can go back to sleep."  
Stan nodded and tried to relax in cartman's arms, but that was... Hard to do. He was still awake enough to get attacked by his confusing emotions. He decided to pull Kyle closer wrapping his arms around him that helped calm his mind for the most part. Allowing him to close his eyes and drifted off to sleep. 

"What the fuck did I get myself into?"


	2. Morning regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning poorly written masturbation

Stan woke up the next morning to the awkward feeling of having multiple bare limbs entangled with his own. Not something he thought he'd ever experience. Then again he never thought he'd have a gay threesome especially not with Cartman and Kyle. Not in a million years.  
Stan sat up crawling out of bed after untangling himself. He went to check his phone that he had so carelessly discarded the night before. He gulped nervously when he saw an unread text from wendy. They were currently taking one of their almost weekly breaks because of wendy 'needing space'  
Stan hesitantly opened her text and groaned after reading what it said.

Wendy: stan I love you and I want to get back together <3 

The niorette rolled his eyes and borderline flung his phone across the carpeted floor of kyle's bedroom.  
"Stan?" A familiar voice called out. stan associated said voice with the only ginger he dared to be friends with.  
"Oh, uh, hey Kyle?" Stan awkwardly shot him some finger guns and gave him that unmistakable 'I don't know what to do or say' smile avoiding eye contact at all costs  
Kyle cleared his throat awkwardly. making stan think he was just as unsure about how to act after what happened, "so... How are you?"  
"I'm alright dude... How about you?" Stan's pauses worsened the already stiff atmosphere.  
"I'm good. Hey-"  
"Can I use your shower?'' Stan cut him off wanting to get some space before his heart pounded out of his chest.  
Kyle nodded looking slightly annoyed to be interrupted like that, "sure dude. There are some spare clothes you left here a while ago. They're on top of my dresser."  
Stan nodded getting up and grabbing his clothes from the last innocent sleepover they had... Calling an overnighter at kyle's place a sleepover probably wasn't 'masculine' for a highschooler such as himself to say, but that was beside the point. "Thanks, dude."  
Stan grabbed a fluffy towel from the hallway closet as he headed into the bathroom. He shut the door and ran the shower making the water as hot as possible before getting in.  
He ran his fingers through his hair wearily if it weren't for the hot water burning his skin he would have believed this was a dream.  
He sighed when all his confusing thoughts came rushing back to him. What was this going to do to his friendship with Kyle? Was he going to lose his best friend?  
"Fuck. This is what happens when you think with your dick, stan." He poured shampoo into his hair and washed it.  
While he continuously told himself that there was no way he could've said no.  
He remembered how Kyle's moans were music to his ears and how his body seemed flawless. Especially since he stayed in shape for track and basketball. It made his body pretty toned in all the right places.  
Cartman wasn't half bad either. Ever since middle school, he had begun to work out and boy did the exercise pay off. Cartman was still big, but in a muscular sense now. His double chin had gone away and his stomach was still a bit soft and squishy which was in its own sense kind of cute.  
Stan chewed on his lip and he felt his stomach knot up a bit as he thought about the two... And their hot bodies pressed up against his own. Feeling kyle's warmth and tasting cartman's mouth. He groaned not even realizing he had begun touching himself. It felt so wrong but so right.  
His breaths became heavy and uneven as he pumped his hand up and down his shaft gradually picking up his pace.  
He closed his eyes remembering the feeling of cartman fingering him as he roughly fucked his best friend.  
Stan moaned out kyles' name as well as Cartman's while he trusted his hips and massaged his dick.  
He had never had sex that good and remembering the pleasure he felt got him ejaculating in no time, but the joys of masturbation were cut short when the thought of wendy crossed his mind.  
He didn't know what he was supposed to do about that. They weren't ACTUALLY broken up after all. Just taking a break. What would he say? What could he say?  
Stan sighed loudly and turned off the shower getting out and drying off. What to do what to do. Going home and thinking in his room was a good start. He got his clothes on and headed to kyle's room to say goodbye and grab his previously discarded belongings.  
When he opened kyle's bedroom door he was greeted by two awake and mostly dressed guys.  
"Oh hey stan, you're finally out. Can we talk?" Kyle pat a vacant spot on the bed beside himself.  
Stan nodded slowly, "sure" his mind screamed at him to leave to avoid dealing with this conversation, but even if he did leave they still had School come Monday. They were unavoidable and this conversation was unavoidable.

Stan was fucked.


	3. The offer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan is offered an... Interesting deal and is torn over what to do.

Stan sat down in the spot Kyle offered him and stayed extremely quiet as he prepared for the worst. His eyes never left the floor. Had kyle's carpet always had a bit of a pattern to it? It's funny to think about the little details of things you subconsciously ignore until you really look at it.  
"Ey, earth to stan, asshole." Cartman clapped his hands loudly to get stan back into the moment.  
Stan shook his head and blinked, "yep, I'm here... What do you guys want?" He grabbed a pen from off kyle's bedside table twirling it around his fingers. A nervous habit he had picked up a couple of years ago  
"We wanted to talk about last night."  
Stan winced slightly here it came. His friendship with Kyle would come crashing down and Cartman would make his life hell. "...what about it?"  
Cartman smirked slightly, "well, since you made last night even more enjoyable than it would've been we have an offer for you. Isn't that right my bottom?"  
Kyle elbowed Cartman, "Eric shut it I top you more than you top me."  
Stan jumped in knowing that if he let them continue their bickering it would never end. "So, what's your offer..?"  
"Wannabe our third? During intercourse I mean. like a friends with benefits kind of thing no strings attached. Last night was pretty great and it would suck if it was a one-time thing." Kyle smiled slightly looking a bit embarrassed to be the one saying this considering he has never done something like this before. Not that stan noticed. He was still intensely staring a the floor.  
"O-oh uh dude I wasn't expecting you to say that." His face reddened a bit with embarrassment  
"Go ahead and think about it. There's no need to rush." Kyle rested his hand on stan's shoulder.  
This wasn't new Kyle has always done that, rested his hand on stan's shoulder but it felt different this time. More intimate? Loving? Caring? Tender? He didn't know what word to use to describe this.   
"Alright, dude. I'll think about it...hey do you think you could give me a ride home?"  
Kyle nodded, "of course. Your mom's place or tegrity?"  
"For the love of God please drop me off at my mother's house"  
Kyle chuckled a bit and nodded in understanding, "alright, dude. Give me a minute while I get my keys."   
Stan watched as the redhead got up and left the room to get his keys from who knows where. What mattered though was that stan was left alone with cartman.  
The room was extremely quiet which stan was half grateful for and half not. He kind of wanted cartman to say some smart-ass comment to break the silence, but also didn't want awkward small talk. At least with Kyle, they were close before this so he could sort of talking to him better, but this was cartman. Someone he has never gotten along with. Especially after he started going out with Kyle.  
The raven-haired male ended up getting off the bed gathering began gathering his things but froze when he heard cartman speak.  
"Hey, are you officially broken up with your bitch girlfriend yet?"  
Stan squeezed the pen he had momentarily forgotten he was holding, "it's... Complicated."  
"Dude, your relationship with her is unhealthy just cut it off already. Just like what I did with Heidi all those years ago"  
"Didn't she break up with you?"  
"Sh that's beside the point. The point is you should figure out if you love her or not. I mean you willingly had sex with kyle'n me in a heartbeat. If you really felt something for wendy don't you think you would've said no and left?"  
"I guess..."  
"Well figure it out and be sure. You keep the on and off thing up and the next thing you know that bitch will be knocked up, you'll be a miserable married man with crushed dreams all before you hit your thirties... Plus Kyle will take back the offer if you aren't really broken up with wendy. It 'goes against his moral code'"  
"Alright... I'll think about it... I didn't know you could give good advice."   
"I have my moments."  
Kyle entered the room again and smiled at stan, "ready to go?"  
Stan stumbled a bit as he grabbed the rest of his things. "Yeah, I'm ready."  
Cartman laid back and picked up his phone already scrolling through social media. "I'm gonna stay here while you do that."  
"Pfft go figure. Love you, Eric. I'll be back soon."  
Eric nodded not looking up from his phone. "Love you too, jew."  
Kyle rolled his eyes as he heard cartman call him a jew and lead his friend out the door and to his car.   
Stan got into the passenger seat and Kyle the driver's seat.   
Pretty soon they were on the road and Kyle turned on some music. Said song was one both loved and ended up singing and goofing off too.  
It was nice. Made stan forget about the awkwardness and just spend time with the best friend he loved so much. That is until the car stopped and the song ended.   
"Well, we're here." Kyle smiled.  
"Alright. Thanks for the ride dude. See ya."  
"It's no prob. See ya later. Text me"  
Stan nodded and waved his friend off before heading into his house. "Hey mom, I'm home."  
Sharon poked her head out from the kitchen her hands wet from doing the dishes, "hey Stanley. How was it at Kyle's?"  
"Pretty good I guess."  
"That's good. Hey, next time you decide to spend the night please text me."  
"Okay, mom. I think I'm gonna head up to my room now."  
"Alright, stan. I love you."  
Stan lazily carried himself up to his room as he replied with a, "love you too, ma." He closed the door behind himself and flopped onto his bed sighing and heavily discarding his things along the way. What should he do? His phone buzzed in his pocket and it just happened to be another text from wendy.   
Stan groaned and turned off his phone without even looking at the text. He didn't need her drama right now. What did he need? What did he want? He couldn't answer either of those questions right now. He buried his face in his soft broncos colored pillow feeling extremely unsure of himself. Possibly the most unsure he's ever felt in his life. 

"What do I do now?"


	4. Scattered thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan makes up his mind

The rest of Stan's Saturday consisted of thinking and listening to heavy metal music. He didn't even leave his room to eat. Just stayed thinking as he stared at the ceiling... Seconds turned into minutes and minutes into hours. Stan ended up falling asleep around six a.m when his head couldn't handle any more overwhelming thoughts.   
Due to how late he was up he was out till about two a.m. He squinted his eyes when the light of day beamed on his face. He just wished he could sleep forever and not have to deal with this. Deal with wendy... Or the offer. He still had his phone turned off and knew it would get blown up with texts as soon as he turned it back on. Wendy was probably pissed about being ignored, but oh well. He could come up with some bs excuse for not responding. It wouldn't be the first time he's done it.  
He pulled his shirt over his face and groaned when he realized that it smelled like Kyle. Of course. He must have washed it. Kyle was nice like that and stan would've appreciated it if the smell of him didn't make his head spin. He got up to change clothes and pulled what he was wearing off tossing it onto the floor getting a quick glance at his body through the mirror.  
"Fuck..."  
He examined himself for the first time since that night. There were multiple hickies and bite marks on his thighs shoulders and neck. How had he not noticed? Had his mom seen them when he got home?! Fuck! Wendy! What would he tell her?!   
Stan put a hoodie on as well as sweat pants. Anything that would hide the marks but not look suspicious.   
"Fuckin Cartman..." He knew for a fact that most of this was his doing... Especially in-between the legs.   
He flopped back onto his bed accidentally hitting his head against the wall. "Ow ow ow!" He held his head and closed his eyes. "God damn it."  
Stan took a deep breath before grabbing his pillow and screaming into it. Which honestly felt pretty good.  
He hugged the pillow tightly and randomly blurted out, "do I actually love wendy?"  
He knew he loved Kyle and not just in a platonic way oh no. Kyle has been in his thoughts during masturbation for many years now. The redhead is always on his mind especially when those dorky love songs on the radio play... But was wendy? He never thought to ask himself that. Dates with her were dull, sex was kinda gross... He felt nothing towards her. At least nothing a boyfriend in a happy relationship would feel. Stan was actually pretty miserable... Maybe he didn't love wendy... Sheesh did he ever? Why... Why was he with her? Its just been on and off drama for years. He has spent so much money on her. Why were they together? Was he with her because she was pretty? Were they together because she was cheer captain and him the quarterback of the football team? It was cliche, but wendy loved it. Was it worth it though? It was starting to seem like it wasn't... No. It wasn't worth it. He didn't love wendy. He should break up with her! yeah!... Now he just needed to grow a pair and say it out loud. That was an issue. Last time HE tried breaking up with HER all hell broke loose. Cartman was right though if he kept this up life would be hell.   
Cartman... He was also someone whose been on his mind lately. If he accepts the deal he'll not only be having sex with Kyle but him too... Not that he minded a couple of nights ago... He had actually gotten bigger dick wise too. Some of the fat he lost definitely contributed to down there. It tasted so- NO. He wasn't going there. The fact that Cartman of all people was capable of making him hard disturbed him a bit. He would be lying if he said he didn't like what the guy could do with his hands though. Trial and error with a rabid Kyle probably got him learning quickly.   
Stan chuckled to himself. He'd love to see their banter in bed. He'd really like to be apart of it too... But what if that ruined his friendship with Kyle and whatever he had with Cartman. Stan knew though. Deep down he had made his decision. All this thinking was just him denying it.  
He wanted to break up with wendy and he wanted to take up that offer.

Stan made up his mind.


	5. Goodmorning Oscar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan goes on a lovely awkward car ride.  
Warning: (poorly written) nsfw content ahead

Waves of pleasure shot through stan's body and his arms felt weak as Cartman rocked his hips pushing his length deep into him. Stan felt hot and wet his messy black locks sticking to his face. His loud moans and groans were muffled by a deep wet kiss from Kyle who had been teasing his sensitive buds twisting and pinching them. The noirnette's body shook he wanted to- NEEDED to release and he was so close too. He lost his grip when cartman's warm hand wrapped around his shaft. Pumping it up and down slowly, occasionally rubbing and teasing his tip using precum as lube. That's all it took to push Stan over the edge his mind went fuzzy and his body tensed as he finally reached his much-desired climax. He felt so full and so at ease until a loud beeping noise rang through his ears.  
Stan opened his eyes groaning lazily as he turned off his alarm clock. He shifted uncomfortably as he felt an unpleasant wetness in between his legs. Great. Just great. He creamed himself. So much for wearing these sweat pants to school.  
He grumbled and rolled out of bed looking like a zombie as he kicked off his pants catching another glimpse at the 'love bites' and hickies cartman had left all over his thighs.  
"Fucking asshole."  
Stan muttered and put on some boxers. To his dismay, he had just dirtied his last pair of good sweat pants his mom actually let him wear in school. when he went to rummage through his dirty clothes basket to find some less dirty comfortable pants he realized it was empty. Laundry day. Of course. Stan was stuck with Jeans. Wonderfully uncomfortable jeans. He sighed heavily and begrudgingly put on one of the few pairs of jeans he had. Stan decided to exchange his hoodie for a plain shirt and a jacket since his old hoodie wasn't 'school worthy' He had also grabbed his red scarf wrapping it around his marked-up neck. Hoping it didn't look suspicious. Kyle had given it to him a while back and he wore it often. He figured it would work, but wendy never left hickies anywhere on him so this was just him going off of what others have done. Especially in movies.  
Stan shook his head and carried on grabbing his phone unplugging it from its charger. It was still off and he wasn't ready to turn it back on. Maybe he could prolong wendy's wrath for just a little longer. Yeah. That sounded good. The consequences were future stan's problem.  
He lazily stuffed his phone in his pocket and picked up his backpack as he ran his fingers through his hair figuring that was enough hair maintenance for the day.  
Stan headed downstairs after putting on some deodorant and getting his shoes on. He walked into the kitchen grabbing a granola bar. The biggest breakfast he had on a normal school day. Not that it mattered  
"Morning Stanley." His mom kissed his head, "you've been hiding in your room all weekend it's like I haven't seen you in days."  
"Uh-huh." Stan yawned and ate his granola bar jumping a bit when he heard the loud honking of a car.  
"I guess it's already time for you to go hm? Thank you, son, for the very moving conversation."  
Stan nodded and headed towards the door, "anytime. Bye mom, love you."  
"Love you too, tell Kyle I said hi. And thank him for the ride."  
"Yep, I always do." Stan closed the door behind himself and headed out to kyle's car taking a deep shaky breath. Fuck. What was he going to say?  
He got in the back, not at all surprised that Cartman was already occupying the passenger seat.  
Stan buckled up knowing Kyle would freak if he didn't, as usual. Drivers ed. really did traumatize the guy.  
"Geeze stan. You look great." Cartman eyed stan and his 'I just rolled out of bed' look.  
Stan flipped him off and rested his head on his backpack using it as a pillow, "fuck off. I'm tired."  
"Pfft well goodmorning oscar." Kyle chuckled a bit and started driving.  
"Morning Elmo." Stan nestled into his backpack more and yawned.  
They were all pretty quiet and stan didn't know if it was because of last Friday night, early Monday Morning sleepiness or both. He was pretty alright with the quiet though. Maybe he'd get some more sleep before they got to-  
"So stan... Have you thought about the offer?"  
Nevermind. He looked at Kyle and how his grip on the steering wheel changed from loose to extremely tight looking like he half regretted addressing the elephant in the room... Car.  
"Yeah actually... I have."  
"And? Is it a yes or a no?" Cartman made an impatient hand gesture wanting stan to just say it already.  
Stan glared slightly at cartman, "keep being a dick and I'll change my answer to a no."  
The two in front of stan both looked fairly surprised to hear that.  
"Wait really? Does this mean you'll do it?" Kyle glanced at stan through his review mirror.  
"Well... Yeah. Friday was great."  
"And you and wendy are broken up, right?"  
"I'm gonna officially cut it off today."  
"Wow, I really wasn't expecting that."  
"Pfft well, I was. No one can pass up on the beefcake" Cartman chimed in.  
"Yeah yeah yeah." Stan waved him off trying his best not to make this situation more embarrassing than it already felt.  
"Heh. This is going to be fun." Eric smirked not at all embarrassed or awkward. More triumphant if anything.  
Stan took a deep breath. Breaking up with Wendy was the next thing on his list. He figured he should probably turn on his phone now since they were already so close to school.

Boy did he regret that decision.


	6. Lets chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan puts his life on the line

Stan's phone (as he suspected) blew up with what looked like a trillion texts from wendy. He hesitantly looked at the unread messages and gulped as he slowly scrolled through them all. Many of them were repetitive but worrisome for stan's sake. They mostly consisted of:

Wendy: stan?

Wendy: hello?

Wendy: Stanley stop ignoring me!

Wendy: This isn't how you should be treating your girlfriend!

Wendy: Did i do something wrong? 

Wendy: Stan stop being a dick and answer your phone!

Wendy: You're so gonna get it at school!

Stan groaned not only were there multiple texts but a handfull of missed calls as well. How lovely. Thanks, wendy. He muttered to himself. Cartman looked back at him.  
"What's up with you?"  
"Wendy." Stan sighed.  
"Let me guess. You didn't text her. For how long?" Kyle glanced at stan.  
"All weekend."  
"Pfft, you're gonna be dead before you get the chance to break up with her." Cartman shook his head.  
"Fuck off... i already know that. A guy can dream though."  
"Mhmm." The car came to a stop once they had reached their destination.   
Stan sank in his seat not wanting to go face wendy.   
Kyle unbuckled and looked back at him fully, "you okay there?"  
"I wanna skip today."  
"Stan, you know that's not an option. If you really want to break up with wendy then it's best if you just get it over with." Kyle said in that matter of fact tone knowing full well that he was right. Stan didn't know if he liked it or not.  
"But i really REALLY don't want to."  
"Come on stan prolonging it will just make things worse... would a kiss motivate you?" Stan looked up at Kyle his face reddened a bit almost as if he was embarrassed by his own offer. The guy had been just full of surprises lately.   
Before stan could give him an answer he looked over at cartman. Making sure he wouldn't rage if he said yes. It didn't look like he would though. He didn't look angry or jealous. Just calm. And not the evil calm that leads to him ruining someone's life later.   
The noirette looked back at Kyle and nodded feeling his heartbeat quicken as the other leaned closer giving him a short but sweet kiss. Naturally, stan's face heated up. Kyle could kiss him a million times and it would still have that same effect on him.  
"Alright, lets head in before stan decides to change his mind." Kyle chuckled a bit and gave cartman multiple kisses which he happily received.  
They all grabbed their belongings and got out. Cartman immediately grabbed Kyle's hand and began humming some song. Probably poker face or something.   
Stan decided to trail behind them still feeling reluctant about going into school. It was like he was willingly walking to his death.   
Once they were in the building stan said his goodbyes and headed to his locker that he rarely ever used. There was hardly any use for it when you could just bring your backpack to class. That and his locker was way too far away from his classes. The only thing he really did use it for was to hide graded assignments and store all the school books his teachers gave students but never made them use. He also accidentally left the occasional dollar or two which was why he was there in the first place. To look for a dollar so that he could get a soda from the vending machine before class started.  
Luckily he did find four quarters. Enough to get a soda. Perfect. He closed his locker and right when he had momentarily let his guard down an angry wendy walked right up to him. She planted her feet right in front of stan giving little to no space for him to escape.  
"Why have you been ignoring me?" Her voice was laced with the kind of anger you wanted to avoid at all costs.  
"Well, you see my ph-"  
"No. I don't want one of you're weak excuses as to why you didn't answer my texts. I am your girlfriend and i DESERVE your undivided attention."  
"Well i mean technically we're on a break so that's not completely-"  
"What was that? You better not mean to say that I don't matter."  
"No that's not what i-"  
"Can it." Wendy glared at him as the five-minute bell rang. "Ugh. Stanley, we are continuing this conversation later." She flipped her hair and stormed off like the diva she was.  
Stan sighed heavily. This was going to be hell... and so much for getting that soda. He didn't have enough time now. He headed off to class and sat in his seat sighing heavily as he rested his head in his hands. Fuck fuck fucking fuck. He was fucked.  
Stan stayed like that looking and feeling miserable. No amount of kisses from Kyle could make him want to go through with this, but he would anyways.  
The bell rang and his teacher came in and lectured the class. It's amazing how quickly class can go by when you're trying to avoid something. It was the same story with the second period... and the third... and the fourth. Until the lunch bell rang. Wendy was going to hunt him down and skin him alive.   
Stan left class fearing for the worst. Fuck confronting wendy. If he skipped going to the vending machine for his lunch he could hide out with the freshmen in the foyer fast enough for wendy to hopefully miss him. The lunchroom was usually pretty empty, with the exception of the occasional 'weird' kid eating there. Probably one of the first places wendy would look. He could go off campus, but wendy had too many friends who could spot him out in the open like that. He considered hiding in the bathroom but that was also just as obvious of a hiding spot and wendy's multiple guy friends would gladly drag him out to her.  
He decided to go with plan A. Hide with the freshmen   
He managed to find a fairly big group of them to hide behind sitting down and putting his hood on pulling the strings and hiding his face. He finally understood why Kenny always did that when he was scared. Now he just had to stay like that for the next thirty minutes. God he had no balls, but in his defense, not even the bravest man on earth would be willing to face a pissed off wendy.  
"Wow. Stan, i can see you." Wendy loomed over him with her hands on her hips  
Fuck. She found him in less than five minutes. That's got to be a new record Stan pulled his hoodie down and hesitantly stood up. "Oh... uh... hey there wendy."  
Wendy rolled her eyes, "Hi. So you're avoiding me now too?"  
"Well-"  
"You have no right to do that to me! Do you know how rude that is?!" Wendy's raised voice caught the attention of a couple of students who turned to watch the conflict.  
"Ye-"  
"Oh so you knew, but you went and did it anyways. VERY mature stan."  
"I-"  
"No, you listen to me I-"  
Stan took a deep breath. This was enough and he wasn't going to put up with her shit anymore. "No. Wendy, stop cutting me off and let me speak for once. I'm tired of you acting like such a bitch to me and I don't love you. Wendy. I want to break up with you."


	7. Be gone thot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wendy makes a scene and stan reacts the best he can.

"WHAT?!" Wendy shrieked causing more heads to turn and watch the episode.  
Stan took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes, "Wendy. We're breaking up."  
"NO! No, you can't do that! You can't break up with me! No one breaks up with me!"  
"Well guess what wendy I just did. We're done." Stan stood a bit taller and looked her in the eyes. It was at this moment that he realized how much power he had given her over the years. It was time that he got it back. "And if you don't like that then too bad."  
He flinched though when he got a hard slap across the face.   
"Fuck you. You Fucking asshole!" She teared up as if she had been the one who was slapped in the face at full force.  
Stan's expression hardened as he walked past her, "go fuck yourself." He headed out the door not looking back.  
Stan decided to go to Kyle's car where Cartman and he usually ate lunch. Especially on chilly winter days since the school was never warm.  
He smiled when he saw Kyle relaxing in his vehicle and knocked on the window. Kyle unlocked the car doors letting the noirnette in.   
"Stan are you okay? You have the darkest handprint on your face that I've ever seen." The redhead crawled into the backseat with his friend and examined his face.   
"Yeah, i just broke up with wendy."  
"It's about time. I'm glad you finally broke up with that thot." Cartman said as he looked up at stan. He had reclined the passenger seat fully giving him a good view of 'great' shape stan was in.  
"She's such a bitch." Stan nodded in agreement which seemed to agitate kyle since he was still looking at the handprint. Probably checking to see if it was bruising over or something. Kyle always did fuss over any form of injury stan got. Which he had to admit he kinda liked. The attention was nice.  
"I wish I was there I would've fucking beat her ass myself. You know i would."  
"Hah, yeah don't worry kyle i believe that."  
Kyle gently let go of stan's face once he decided that he was okay and kissed his forehead. "Hey dude on the bright side this'll go away probably by the time the sixth period ends."  
Stan groaned once he thought about the fact that he had that class with Wendy. "I think I'm gonna skip next period actually."  
"Yeah, that's fair. I'd offer to stay with you, but i have a test i can't miss."  
"That's alright." Stan smiled, grateful to just have Kyle now. "Hey, i was wondering-" he was cut off by the sound of his stomach growling... loudly "if you had any food you could spare for the needy."  
"Pfft yeah. I do. Are you good with a sandwich? I had a big breakfast so I'm not that hungry." Kyle dug in his backpack for his lunch and pulled it out offering it to stan.  
"Fuck. Yes. Please." Stan gladly took the sandwich and began to scarf it down. It tasted great too. Definitely made by sheila. Anything put together by Kyle was not made for consumption. Just to look at and wonder 'how the fuck does someone manage to BURN untoasted bread?'.   
"Kaaahhllll why does stan get the sandwich but not meeee?" Cartman whined and tugged at the sleeve of Kyle's jacket.  
"Because fatass, you already ate three whole fucking sandwiches, KFC chicken, soda, and a bag of cheesy poofs. You don't NEED anymore. Stan, on the other hand, hasn't had any lunch and was probably too lazy to pack one."  
"Hey, i resent that." Stan gave Kyle a look that couldn't be taken seriously since his cheeks were stuffed with food.  
"But it's true is it not? Did you pack yourself a lunch?"  
"Hmph... no..." stan continued to eat his sandwich quietly knowing full well that he had been defeated.  
Cartman just kept whining though as if he was ten again. No matter how old he got he always seemed to be able to reach that annoying pitch the drove stan insane.  
"Eric shush." Kyle lightly bopped Cartman's head and kissed him shutting him up to stan's relief.  
When Cartman seemed like he was done complaining Kyle broke the kiss but was soon pulled back down for more.  
Stan chuckled quietly finding the neediness of Cartman amusing his agitation melting away. Before the deal, he would've been absolutely pissed and disgusted to witness this, but now he actually didn't mind all that much.  
Kyle broke the kiss after a couple of moments but kept giving him pecks on the lips as he spoke, "Eric, I love you, but I have to check the time."  
Stan finished up his sandwich and looked at the time on his phone. "It's like 12: 27"  
"Fuck, i need to get to class then." Kyle grabbed his bag and books as he headed out of the car. "Love you, Eric. You better behave."  
"Yes, Mom. Love you too."  
"Har de fucking har. Bye Stan, see ya." Kyle waved before he closed the door and left.  
"Cartman don't you have a class you need to get to?" Stan glanced at him.  
"Well yeah, but i don't feel like going to P.E today."  
"Dear god. How the fuck have you gotten into better shape if you won't even go to gym class?"   
Cartman flipped him off, "i do shit on my own time. I don't like being watched while I'm... exercising." He shivered. "I hate that word so much."  
"I see." Stan gave up on trying to get Cartman to go away. Seeing that it was no use.  
He jumped into the driver's seat and reclined it just as the other had done.  
Things were silent for some time. Stan didn't really have a word for this kind of silence. It wasn't bad, awkward, nor nice. Just quiet.  
"... you know, we should probably talk to each other a little more if we're going to do this friend with benefits thing."  
Stan turned his head looking at Cartman who was gazing up at the car ceiling. "Why is that?"  
"Well... we've known each other since like preschool, but we've never necessarily gotten along. Especially when Kahl is involved"  
"What does that have to do with anything though?"  
Cartman turned towards stan and looked at him, "sex is gonna be fucking awkward if we keep acting like this. Before, during and afterward."  
Stan thought for a moment, "that's true... but it's not that big of a deal. We're not in a relationship or anything. 'No strings attached' remember?"  
"Well yeah... but i want to get along with you."  
"Really...?"  
"I mean yeah. We can't depend on Kyle to fill in the gap all the time. It makes these moments awkward as fuck."  
"You've got a point. How do we get along better though? It's not like we can just magically become buddies overnight."  
"I've got an idea."  
Stan looked at Cartman. For some reason... he really didn't like the sound of that.


	8. A kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan's emotions for cartman become more complicated as he shares a moment of fluff with him.

"Wait you want to what?" Stan looked at Cartman with a surprised expression.  
"You heard me. I want us to kiss."  
"But fucking why?"  
"Because I read somewhere that pheromones and shit are released when two people kiss and it can make them like each other more."  
"Bullshit, dude."  
"It isn't! Look it up yourself if you don't believe me."  
"You just want to make out."  
"Maybe a little, BUT I genuinely think it would help us."  
"Dude, your mouth probably tastes like shit though. I heard Kyle list off all that garbage you ate. It probably tastes nasty altogether in your fucking mouth."  
Cartman flipped stan off, "fuck you, man. I'm chewing half a pack of gum as we speak so I probably don't taste bad... Probably."  
Stan eyed him. He couldn't believe it but he was considering Cartman's offer. He was actually considering kissing that asshole. Cartman CARTMAN why would he do that to himself. He wasn't Kyle so why would he even want to? Cartman disgusted him no matter how much he enjoyed having sex with him. Enjoyed having sex with him... Even that statement grossed him out. Cartman was-  
"Please, stan?"  
Stan shook his head in disbelief as he looked at the brunette's face. His usually smug expression wasn't anywhere to be seen. He didn't recognize this emotion. Was it shyness? Fear? Unsureness? Did he just say please? Or was stan just going crazy? It was so quiet and unlike Cartman, he had to have imagined it.  
"...Please?"  
There it was again. Stan hadn't imagined it. He didn't know why but something in him willingly gave in to the quiet plea. "Well... Fine. Just one. JUST ONE." Stan couldn't believe what he was saying but it was too late to take it back he was going to kiss Cartman.  
"Really?" Cartman looked in stan's eyes as if he was searching for something in them. What that something may be was unknown to stan though.  
"Yeah... Let's just do it." He sat up in his seat and scooted closer to the other.  
Cartman immediately sat up and pulled stan even closer. Their only awkward barrier being the car's gear stick. Stan's stomach began to feel weird and he didn't know if he was going be sick or if it was butterflies trying to escape.  
The niorette felt his chin being lifted and slightly chapped, but still soft lips brushed against his own. He closed his eyes and slowly kissed the other. The minty smell of the Cartman's breath was calming in a sense.  
Stan almost jumped when he felt a tongue prod at his lips, but he relaxed and hesitantly parted them granting cartman the access he wanted. Cartman gladly took the opportunity and slid his tongue into Stan's mouth.  
Stan rubbed his own tongue against cartman's taking in his taste and texture as he felt his mouth being explored.  
For a moment a very brief moment stan felt like he wasn't in Kyle's car. His head felt light. He felt safe. Warm.  
The moment was gone though when he slowly pulled away. His face still only inches away from Cartman's. He opened his eyes and his gaze was met by a pair of bright blue ones. Blue eyes... Stan remembered when those eyes were brown. Chocolate brown eyes, full of a storm of emotions. He missed them.  
"Think you can tolerate me, Marsh?"  
Stan looked at him and nodded slowly. As he was still coming down from that kiss. He had never been kissed like that. Not even by Wendy. It was different. A good kind of different though. He wouldn't mind doing it again. Not at all. Maybe Cartman was right. Maybe kissing really can affect how you feel about someone.  
"Wanna... Do it again?"  
"Yeah..."  
And so they did


	9. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan realizes that wendy is capable of ruining his life as revenge.

The rest of the stan's day was normal. Or at least as normal as it could be, given the events that had taken place. Wendy both ignored and avoided him which he really didn't mind. The rest of his classes were tedious as per usual. His ride back to his mom's house was pretty normal too. With the exception of the brief kiss, he got from Kyle. He had dinner with his Mom and shelly who of course threatened his life a couple of times before going to bed.   
Stan woke up the next morning and got ready for school  
He even had enough time to shower. He was picked up by Kyle who drove him and Cartman to school. The ride was peacefully quiet as music played on the radio.   
It wasn't until then did a thought occur to stan. How was he supposed to know when he'd be wanted for a threesome? Would they text him? Or would it happen naturally?   
Stan was a bit surprised that that question never crossed his mind. He even meant to ask about it, but they had already arrived at school. Oh well. He could ask later if he really wanted to but it wasn't that big of a deal... for now   
He headed into school with Cartman and kyle as his mind wandered thinking about other random questions as to how this new set up would work. As he was thinking he didn't notice the nasty glares he got from wendy's friends. Kyle did though and gave each person a threatening look in return.   
"Stan, I'm 99% certain that Wendy told her friends some bullshit story about your breakup."  
Stan looked over at Kyle then at the others around them. Those who were giving him dirty looks turned their heads. ''I believe that. I'm honestly waiting for wendy to pull some shitty thing off to stir up some drama."  
"Dude, you got yourself involved with a psycho bitch... remember that teacher we had in like third grade? The 'hot' chick that was actually a lesbian?"  
"Oh yeah, i think so."  
"You know that wendy was the reason she disappeared, right?"  
"Really?" Stan believed it, but it was so outrageous part of him didn't want to. Then again this was south park. Everything here was crazy.  
"Yep. She blasted her into the fucking sun if i remember correctly. All because she wasn't getting your attention."  
"Sheesh... this is some of the reason breaking up with her seemed dangerous."  
"Yeah, be careful."  
"I will be. I'm already expecting death threats from her friends." Stan smiled. A suppressed part of him deep down was honestly terrified just thinking about what wendy could do. She was capable of a lot. The first time he tried breaking up with her she threatened to ruin his life through social media. He could only imagine what she was planning on threatening him with this time. What a psycho. How did he not see it before? "I'm gonna go head to class now. See you guys later." Stan waved goodbye and walked to his class. He was internally praying for Wendy to spare him. Just this once.   
He walked into the stuffy classroom and sat in his usual seat. He got situated and tried to not think about all of the horrible things wendy could do to him as a blue-eyed blond sat next to him.   
"Hey, stan."  
"Oh, hi Kenny. S'up?"  
"Not much, man. Just trying to get into Red's pants. I heard that you broke up with wendy. Is that true? Everybody's talking about it."  
"Yeah, it's true. She had a huge freakout, but i really don't know why she got so mad. It's obvious that she doesn't love me. I don't love her either."  
"She's wendy. If things don't go her way she gets bitchy with everyone. We're in Highschool so there's no need for that. This place is already a dramatic hell hole."  
"Ha. Agreed."  
The bell rang and the class began, but that didn't stop stan and Kenny from talking more. This was their period to hang out and catch up. Especially since Kenny was always gone and busy trying to reach his goal of screwing every attractive girl and even some guys in their grade and up.  
Stan always enjoyed Kenny's company and hearing him talk about his courting attempts. It made the period go by faster. It also let stan take his mind off of what wendy could do to him. And to think, he had a brief moment of normalcy.  
The bell rang and they said their goodbyes before parting ways and heading to their next classes. Stan's next class was science and it was utterly boring except for when the topic of kissing was brought up. The teacher said all the things Cartman said the previous day but in more detailed technical terms. How ironic.   
Geeze this was all so weird and happening so quickly. First, he was sleeping with his best friend/ life long crush as well as the sickest and twisted person he'd ever met. Then he had broken up with his psychotic girlfriend partly because of them. What was next? A revenge plot that would lead to his death? Stan really didn't know.  
Who could he even talk to about all this with? Not Kyle. He didn't want to hurt or offend him. Especially if he voiced his unsureness about sleeping with cartman. Definitely not Kenny either. He was great with advice and kept secrets, but stan honestly felt embarrassed to REALLY talk about this with him. They were close but not that close. This was frustrating, to say the least. Even if he did dare to tell him. What would he even say?  
'Hey, dude. So you know our childhood friends? I'm sleeping with them both even though they're already in a relationship. They're also part of the reason i broke up with wendy!'  
Yeah, fuck that.  
The bell eventually rang as stan was in deep thought. He honestly didn't know how he got away with spacing out so often in basically every class he had. He guessed no one cared as long as he was passing. Especially during football season... which was actually coming up.   
Just as he was about to go to his next class his phone buzzed in his pocket. He looked at it a d saw a message from kyle.   
'Come out to my car'


	10. So that's how

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nsfw  
To the few people who decided to read this, I'm sorry it took so long to update '-.-

Stan headed out to Kyle's car wondering what he could've possibly wanted. It was unlike him to text him something like this with such a short time frame until their next class.  
Once he had reached Kyle's car he moved to knock on the window, but the car door flew open and he was pulled in before he could even process what was happening.  
"Dude what the f-"  
Warm soft lips collided with stan's and his eyes widened in shock. Definitely not what he was expecting.  
"Kyle, what's going on?" Stan momentarily pulled away from the kiss only to get pulled back in which he didn't mind. It took him a few seconds but he began to kiss back getting a satisfied purr from Kyle who immediately deepened the kiss once he got the response he seemed to want.  
Stan didn't mind one bit when Kyle did so. As a matter of fact, he loved it. The feeling of Kyle's lips was exhilarating and even more so when he felt his tongue make its way into his mouth. Of course, stan wasn't going to submit that easily. He cupped Kyle's cheeks pulling his face closer to his own if that was even possible. He pushed his own tongue out swirling it around Kyle's, fighting for dominance. Their tongues danced around each other until Kyle finally gave in and let stan take over.  
Stan happily slid his tongue into Kyle's mouth basking in his triumph. His tongue rubbed against and teased every inch of him making sure to remember the feeling and taste of it all.  
A loud whining noise could be heard by both and to stan's dismay, Kyle pulled away but made it a point to suck on stan's tongue before he did which sent shivers down his spine.  
"Kahl!"  
Stan looked behind Kyle and in the driver's seat was cartman. He looked to be a hot mess all sprawled out and red-faced but completely neglected.  
Stan watched Kyle turn around and give him the same treatment he had just received.  
"Shhh, Eric you haven't been forgotten I was just saying hello to stan. Now, get in the back so that i can drive us back to my place."  
Stan looked at Kyle, a bit confused. Was this the reason Kyle wanted him here?  
"Hey, Kyle, is this why you texted me? To come have sex with you at your house?"  
"Yeah, Eric got horny and needy so I thought I'd invite you to help me take care of him."  
Stan nodded. That kiss had gotten him too excited to even think about passing up on this chance. "Sure, let's go."  
"Sweet, do you think you could get in the back with Eric? He gets too whiney when he's being neglected in this state."  
"Oh... uh sure." Stan looked over at cartman and watched him clumsily crawl into the back seat. He followed his lead but tried not to create an embarrassing scene as cartman had.  
Cartman aggressively pulled stan closer and gave him a needy rough kiss. He kissed him back and his mind went fuzzy when he felt his crotch being palmed.  
"Stan, I need it now"  
Stan looked at the brunette with a very surprised expression he never expected this from cartman. He had always viewed him as someone more dominant in bed especially after their previous encounters, but things weren't always as they seemed he guessed.  
"I'm glad you two are keeping each other busy, but you still have to buckle up before we leave."  
Cartman did what he was told immediately and stan did the same figuring that the longer they took the more they'd all have to wait to get to bed.  
"Kahl why can't we have sex in the car? i hate waiting!" Cartman whined loudly making stan cringe slightly  
"Because, Eric, I'd much rather all three of us fuck on a bed instead of struggle awkwardly in my car. It would kill the mood." Kyle had a firm tone in his voice and started the car driving out of the school parking lot and out on the road to his house as fast as legally possible.  
Eric gave in since he had no real say in the matter and looked at stan expectantly.  
"Staan" he reached over and resumed rubbing stan's crotch making him moan and sigh softly, slightly raising his hips to meet his touch.  
"I won't survive this car ride if you don't help me feel good too"  
Stan shook his head trying to shake off the slide high he felt, "alright alright calm down."  
He moved closer to the bigger brunette or at least as close as the seatbelt would allow and rub his inner thigh still unsure about how to sexually interact with cartman.  
"More! Staaan that isn't en-"  
Stan kissed cartman making sure to shut him up before he could whine anymore. His hand inched closer to cartman's crotch and played with the button on his jeans earning a whine despite the kiss that was supposed to muffle him.  
Stan proceeded though and unbuttoned his pants sliding his hand down into them slowly teasing him the best he could in the awkward position they were in.  
Cartman let out a loud moan and tilted his head back.  
Stan watched as the brunette squirmed and moaned giving him a feeling of satisfaction.  
After a bit more of teasing Cartman, the car came to a stop.  
"Alright, we're here. Let's get Eric inside and have some fun."


	11. Oh boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, this is so embarrassing. I am so sorry I subjected you to this story. I honestly don't know what made me think this was going to be good. I'd delete this, but I don't have the heart to. For those of you who were generally interested in the story, I'll tell you how it was going to end. (From what I remember.)

Okay, so Stan, Kyle, and Eric continue to be "lovers plus one" and it goes pretty well, but of course, the friends with benefits deal becomes more complicated when Stan starts developing feelings for Eric that get to the same level as his already established feelings for kyle. It gets to the point of which Stan doesn't have it in him to continue with the no strings attached deal. He talks to them about it, and they had actually wanted to ask him if he wanted to be in a real relationship with them. He agrees but asks if they can keep their poly relationship on the down-low because while he is happy to be with them he also isn't ready to admit to the world that not only does he like guys but is polyamorous as well. They agree and continue on with life in a happy relationship. Meanwhile, Wendy is absolutely pissed that Stan broke up with her. She wants him back and will do anything to have him. Even if it means blackmailing him into a relationship again. (As you can see I'm not much of a Wendy fan.) Wendy ends up getting Butters to follow him around to try to find dirt on Stan that she can hang over his head. Butters ends up getting a picture of Stan, Eric, and Kyle romancing which he gives to Wendy. Wendy goes to confront Stan and because he's so embarrassed and ashamed of his relationship he easily bends to her will. She demands that he breaks up with them and dates her again. He sadly agrees and the next day he breaks up with Eric and Kyle in the school parking lot. Eric runs after him into their school and demands to know why he wanted to break up with them out of the blue in front of everyone. Stan is mortified and denies ever being in the relationship with them making it sound abundantly clear that a relationship with two guys wasn't something he was or ever would be into. This royally pisses off and hurts both Kyle and Eric. They end up ignoring Stan's existence altogether from that day on. Stan had lost the best relationship he had ever had and got himself stuck in one that was fake, hollow, and mainly for appearances. This keeps up for months, and he hits his limit with Wendy. He breaks up with her for good and goes to at the very least make amends with Kyle and Eric. They make up after he explains the situation to them, and they get back together again. Wendy threatens Stan with the photo at school and shows it to everyone when he doesn't obey her. Everyone finds out that Stan, Kyle, and Eric are in a relationship and Stan proudly admits to it to them all.   
The end.

There was also going to be a prologue that takes place in the future where we see them all living together in an apartment with their adopted children. (By children I mean a cat and a puppy)

Soooo corny i know. Anyways I'm so sorry, have a wonderful rest of your day.


End file.
